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As families gather for Thanksgiving this year, money is one topic that likely won’t be discussed.
Yet experts say it’s a perfect time to start the conversation, particularly with aging parents.
More than half of Americans — 56% — say their parents never discussed money with them, according to a recent Fidelity survey of 1,900 adults ages 18 and up.
One reason is that many people have a complicated relationship with money and wealth.
Most Americans — 89% — said they do not consider themselves to be wealthy, Fidelity found. For many, the definition of being wealthy is just not having to live paycheck to paycheck.
For the wealth they do have, most Americans say they accumulated it on their own, with 80% identifying as self-made and only 5% saying they inherited it, Fidelity found.
The fact that many people have relied on themselves, especially older Americans, may help explain why many don’t feel the need for more formal financial planning, according to David Peterson, head of advanced wealth solutions at Fidelity.
One-third of baby boomers don’t feel having a financial plan is necessary, Fidelity’s survey found, which is the most of any generation.
“They have sort of go your own way mindset, and that’s probably why they keep a lot of this just to themselves,” Peterson said.
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Yet experts say that not having a plan in place can leave individuals and their families vulnerable when unexpected events happen.
If you know what your parents want, have it written down and know where things are, it makes things much smoother in the event a parent passes, gets sick or starts showing signs of dementia, said MaryAnne Gucciardi, a certified financial planner and financial advisor at Wealthmind Financial Planning in Cambridge, Massachusetts.
“You want to catch things early and proactively and preemptively, so that you know what they want and you can advocate for them,” Gucciardi said.
The holidays are an excellent time to start conversations about family finances, Gucciardi said. But those discussions can also take place whenever there’s a group gathering where siblings and children can also be involved, she said.
How to get the family money conversation started
Research has found money is consistently one of the topics Americans would rather not talk about.
A recent U.S. Bank survey found more people would rather reveal who they were voting for in the presidential election than talk about their finances. Other research from Wells Fargo find discussing personal finances almost as difficult as talking about sex.
To get the conversation started with aging parents, experts say it helps to start small.
“Don’t go into it thinking that you’re going to solve it all this particular holiday,” Peterson said.
To kick off the conversation, you may want to talk about your own estate plan and ask for their advice on anything you’ve missed, he said. That way, you can get a sense of how far along they are in the process, Peterson explained.
It can also help to bring up examples of friends or family who died with estate plans that were either organized or in disarray, and how that affected their loved ones who were left behind.
“What I like to do is start with small topics and build up to the bigger topics,” Peterson said.
Peterson explained that wealth can be transferred through asset titling or beneficiary designations. But for assets that do not pass that way, you need a will, he said.
Without that planning, you leave it up to the state probate process. When someone dies without a will, also known as dying intestate, a state’s intestate succession laws determine what happens to their assets.
“The question is, do you want to be the one making the decisions?” Peterson said. “Usually, when you ask it that way, you get an answer that suggests that they want to be the ones in charge.”
In addition to a will, it helps to have other documents in place, such as a health care directive, power of attorney and HIPAA authorization in the event a parent’s health declines, Gucciardi said.
If those documents were not established recently, you may want to revisit them to make sure they’re up to date, she said.
Often, people have accumulated assets over their lifetimes and lose track of them, such as savings bonds or insurance policies, Peterson said. It helps to create a central location where all of that will be stored, either physically or digitally. Bank safe deposit boxes should be avoided, since they can be difficult for loved ones to access, he said.
With more assets stored online, it’s also important to ask about access to online financial, subscription and social media accounts, Gucciardi said. Using a password manager can help ensure those assets are secure, she said.
As families engage in these conversations, it may be best to start small with one area, such as health care preferences, and then build from there, she said.
To help start the conversation, books can be a great way to break the ice, Gucciardi said. Among the titles she recommends to clients include, “Who Gets Grandma’s Yellow Pie Plate?” “Crucial Conversations” and “Being Mortal.”
During those discussions, try to listen more than talk and ask open-ended questions, Gucciardi said.